When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
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*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19