Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
The Struggle
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe