Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.