“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
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My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
🤣🤣🤣
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.