My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You Might Also Like
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding