“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
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It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Cheer up.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
nyc:
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Can Happiness buy money?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Chicago sounds lovely.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.