Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
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Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.