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Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.