Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?