If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Running from your problems is cardio .
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.