Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.