When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
my astrological sign is a french fry
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???