Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you