This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
That’s fair
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Ron is short for Aaronald
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶