Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
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My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*sewing*
A thread
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.