My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
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*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.