Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
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a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”