My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
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Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…