Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
How do you like your Corgi?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Finally!
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no