I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Just this preview of the story is enough
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Every work call, he judges.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
This makes total sense…
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.