“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
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Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.