Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
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Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.