i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.