If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.