It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.