Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.