[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
You Might Also Like
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.