I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
cats when you pet them too long:
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?