interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.