Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You Might Also Like
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”