I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
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the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok