*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
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I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
No, YOUR illiterate.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law