Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
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Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?