“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
These 3D printers are insane!
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.