[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
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gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
the #horror is real!
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
That earthquake could have been an email.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”