my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
i think we should see other cousins
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.