Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
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I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m Sold!
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.