This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
*Inspirational Tweets*
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….