You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived