Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
You Might Also Like
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]