FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?