Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
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friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.