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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
🙂🙃🥹
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.