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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
The photographer’s assistant
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
somebody come look at this
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.