The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows