Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
You Might Also Like
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
☠️☠️☠️
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.