POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle