My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
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How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Check your privilege
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles