When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
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Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
no
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.