Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
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If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
peak technology
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids